Argh.

I have no idea what's wrong with me.
Always making the same mistakes,
always making the wrong move.

I myself get irritated with myself.

Sometimes I just don't understand how guys think.
What excatly is in that head of theirs.
And I bet most of the time they don't understand us as well.
So I can't complain.

But seriously, if our positions were turned around,
I know I'll explain clearly everything.
Not just walk out of things. Escaping.
If only you tried to understand why.

Maybe that's the difference between guys and girls.
A wonder how those stupid Y chromosomes [OMG. I STILL RMB HOW TO SPELL. HAHAHA.] can make such a big difference.
Amazing. The wonders of science.

Speaking of bio. I miss bio super super super super super much.
Never should have chose physics.
Seriously. If I could turn around time, I'll make sure I never put physics on my considering list.

Hmm. Wait.
But that means I won't have nice nice teachers like Mr Cha.
And well. Maybe I won't even cross paths with you. Just maybe.

But.
Maybe it's fate that our paths crossed like they did.
Maybe God chose it to be like this.
Maybe He is using this pain to refine us and make us into better ppl.
Maybe..

Oh gosh.
I'm seriously dying.

Stupid PW. Stupid physics report. Stupid life.

Argh. WR sux. Gosh gosh gosh.
I'm so dead. No idea how to start my section. Rah.

"According to Piaget, all development emerges from action; that is to say, individuals construct and reconstruct their knowledge of the world as a result of interactions with the environment."

Try deciphering this rubbish. Gosh. Okay maybe it's not rubbish. But yea. It's like chim-logy. -.-

Oh God please see that I survive this horrible crap of PW. And of course promos.
And everything else that's coming along.

Like:
Horrible PE routine.
Gosh.

Today's only Monday and I have no idea how to survive this week. Oh crap.
I even almost forgot next week is my bday.
But who cares.
Stella's not here. She used to make sure my birthday is a wonderful one.
And not forgetting the one person I want to spend my bday with, but of course I can just keep on dreaming and maybe I'll get to spend the day with him. [In my dreams I mean] I'll be even thankful if he even make an effort to go search for a present. Or maybe a letter. Or.. I don't know. But still, I can keep on dreaming.

So seriously. Why bother.

Argh.
Stressed up.
Life sux.
The ugly reality of it.

That friday we went to celebrate Timo's birthday. (:


Me wearing Le Dung's guitar shirt. Super gigantic can. Like some sweater. Haha. Played a fool during PW [supposed to be GP period but we had PW before that then GP was in LT. haha.]

Yepyep.
Need to have some pictures around. If not the whole blog will look so wordy.

It's been already a month and 2 days.
Guess I'm finally getting better. At least I hope I am.
Though every now and then there are still heartaches.
But that proves you're still very important. So that's good.

A few days ago this nagging question came to me.
And I was forced into thoughts once again.
And I realise how very afraid of the future I am.
Afraid that things will change. Afraid that I don't even have anything to hold on to.

Because having nothing is a really scary thing.

I can't shake off this feeling that...
you're moving on to a place where I do not and will not understand. With all the leadership commitments, it's something I'll never understand what you all are doing and everything. And you never breathe a word about it.
But then again, what right do I have to know about all these.
Nothing. Gone. A thing of the past.

Now as I take a closer look, your world seems... foreign. So many new pieces have started springing up, without me knowing.
Maybe there isn't even any place for me inside.
Maybe..
Maybe you're better off without me.
That's what I really thought when I see you around in school.

Sometimes I wonder if you still think of me. How often you think about me. If I'm still somewhere in the corner of your mind.
And I wonder if you ever think about the past.
If you ever have the urge to hold my hands.
If you ever felt an overwhelming feel to hold me close again.

Just saying what's in my mind right now.
NOT emo-ing.

I guess I'm really mad if I'm going to say that
I'm still hoping you'll one day say to me this is all a nightmare.
That you never really said all that before.
Or.
Maybe you'll one day say to me that..

Sigh. Only idiots will still hold on to any hope.
And I guess I'm that idiot.

"There can be miracles when you believe."

What's there to believe when there's nothing left to believe in.
Give me something to believe.

On a side note,
what Filza told me today about what you said before really made my day.
I don't know why. It's just v. comforting.
--------

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken

Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight

And I want you to my one and only love.
I<3you
like I always do.

Pfftt.
I'm still online.
Kill me please.

Happened to remember this poem by William Shakespeare.
And I was reminded of how we had to memorise and recite this poem as part of literature grading in Sec 2. I didn't get this poem though. Had other ones.

Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments, love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come,
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
------------

Love is an ever-fixed mark and is never shaken.
Basically, the poem's talking about how love doesn't vary because of time and it stays constant even until death.
[Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom]

Love isn't really love if it changes.

Nice poem. Go find the interpretations if you're bored.
Alright. Get off the com and go to work. :/

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights. —James 1:17

Dreaming of You
Selena

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star that somewhere you are
Thinking of me too
Cause I’m dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I’ll be holding you tight
And there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you ever see me and i
Wonder if you know I’m there (am I there, am i? )
If you looked in my eyes would you see what’s inside
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close but so far
All I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day (wait for the day)
To take the courage to say how much I love you
Yes I do

I’ll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I’ll be holding you tight
And there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me

Corazón
No puedo dejar de pensar en ti
Como te necesito
Mi amor, como te extraño
(translation:
Sweetheart
I can’t stop thinking of you
How I need you
My love, how I miss you)

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can’t believe
That you came up to me and said I love you
I love you too

Now I’m dreaming with you tonight
Till tomorrow (till tomorrow) and for all of my life
And there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be
Than here in my room
Dreaming with you endlessly
--------------

Happened to hear this song on my ipod today.
Nice song.

I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
if it even makes a difference to cry

Ohmy..
It's like what. Around 60 days to promos?

And of all times I'm SICK. -Sobs.

Felt real sick after I came home from Timo's bday celebration with some of my OG ppl. Argh.
Kept vommiting and feeling tired and blah.

So today I slept till 10am, woke up had breakfast, and went to sleep again till... 1.30pm. Had lunch then slept again till 4pm. Pig eh.
And I think I'm going off to sleep again since my parents are gone to Suntec to shop and only my brother is left. Which means no naggings from them if I sleep.
Attempted to study just now but nth goes in and I felt damn uncomfortable.

"Life sux."
What Keyi always says is now a perfect statement for my situation now.

Stupid body. So weak. I think excatly 2 weeks ago I was sick.
NOW I'M SICK AGAIN.

Wth is wrong with my body. Argh.
----------

As for ytd, went to Simei Care centre after school for some SLC thingy. Volunteered to go along with Fil, Jean, Serene and some other random ppl. Went KFC before that with Keyi, Wu Suan, Fil and Jean. Along, we're the 5 TKGians in 07S202 now. Had fun. Took neoprints. (:

The trip to simei care centre was an eye opening one. It's something like a care centre for ppl suffering from mental illnesses, or rather according to the person there, mental injury. So it's sort of like a rehabilation place for them.

Had a briefing by one of the councellors there about what excatly mental injury is. Blah blah blah. Shan't go into the details.
And we got to meet some of them who were doing handicrafts which are going to be sold outside. [We're holding a sale next wed and thurs in school.] It's really really pretty. I doubt I'll be able to do that.

And Fil, Jean and I all agreed that this is much better than Metta. Seriously, I don't mind this being my weekly programme instead of Metta. Not that I don't like the kids at Metta, but this place is more... peaceful and well, it's not something you see everyday.

Oh. And the counsellor was saying anyone has the potential of developing mental illnesses. [Which includes major depression, bipolar depression, and blah.] So don't think you'll be 'normal' forever. And the highest risk is at the age of 18. Ohmy.
We were saying we have symptoms of it when he was describing about it. HAHAHA.

Yepp. Next time I will view these kind of ppl differently. It's not their fault that they're 'abnormal'. It's quite heart wrenching to be more aware that such ppl exists in society.

After that went Airport to meet up with my OG ppl. Went TPJC to meet Daniel first, and in the end we both were late coz that stupid bus refuses to come. And he was blaming me coz he waited for me and missed the bus. And I in turn blamed him coz I could have just took a direct bus from where I was instead of going down to meet him. Bleahs.

HAHA. And so sorry to Timo that he was the first to reach, even though he's the bday boy. :/
Yepyep. Stella, Wan Jing, Seng Yong, Daniel, Ying Han, Timo and Varun turned up. Was really nice meeting everyone again after such a long time. [In particular to Stella and Seng Yong since the rest of them are in MJ currently. lol.]

Had dinner,
then the guys went to buy cake for Timo and we went gallery to cut it.
haha. Plan failed.
And we sat on the floor and played random games like 7-up. Made the losers to do stupid forfeits.
Like Timo was made to carry my umbrella and walk around the gallery and doing catwalk. Damn hilarious. Ppl were staring. HAHA.

Yepp. Went home only at 10.40pm and I already felt sick.
So yea.

Okay. I better go off now.
Feeling dizzy again. Gosh. I feel like dying. Argh.

Photos another day.
Bye ppl.

Where are you when I need you the most-

I've always love this song. Nice tune and lyrics. Especially the lyrics. Trying to look for the piano sheet now and erm. Preferbly the MP3. Though I think it'll sound horrible coz it'll be choral like. Haha. Argh. Can't seem to find it anywhere. ):

So tired.
More updates some other day. :/
Rah.

The more I look at this blogskin,
the more I like it. Haha.

The colour combi, the picture.. everything is so nice.
Lol. Randomness.

Cheng Yew sent this email to us.
And I thought it was really sweet.

What does Love mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry".

---------

So sweet right. I like the last part.
As well as the one about the puppy.
And I think the sweetest is the very first one.

I wonder if these comments are really from kids.
it's really amazing how kids think sometimes. So innocent and everything.
Yet the more you grow up, the more you lose yourself.

But yea. I'm not going to emo anymore.
Try not to.
Thanks for everyone who's been there.
Especially Fil, Jean, Eve and Stella.
Oh yes. And Louis as well. For having to entertain me late at night and giving me advices. What you said served to a certain extent as a wake up call.
And I won't forget how you scolded your sis coz of me that day and made her cry. Haha.

I know it's hard for you guys [pertaining to Fil and Jean and Eve to a certain extent] for putting up with my nonsenses this period of time. But I really appreciate everything. Even though you all may think you're not doing anything much, just your presence is enough. (:

Now I think of how I always tell Yinqi last time that we should all smile and be happy. But yet I'm not doing it myself when things go wrong.

So yea. Smile. :D

My entries are getting lengthy and wordy and blahh.
Bleahs. Should not be so naggy next time.

I finally changed layout.
Actually wanted to make one myself.

But no time.
And no inspirations.

So for now shall stick with pre-made layouts.

Edited quite a bit of the codes.
Don't know if I'm supposed to do that but then some parts need editing as the blogger bar above was blocking the top part of the entry and blah. Yep.

It looks fine now.
I hope I didn't edit wrongly anything.

Oh gosh. I haven't done EOM yet.
:/ Bahh. What was I doing all the time online.
I wonder.

---------

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
and watching you walk away

Do you know that the word "Loss" appears to have evolved from an old English word meaning "destruction".
Isn't it interesting because nowadays we use the word which suggests something more along the line of "something missing".
And if you miss something, the natural tendancy is to keep looking for it,
trying to replace that which is gone.

Yet all things change.
Change, inevitably, means loss.
People deal with loss differently too, sometimes with a shrug, some try means to forget, but some carry on with constant yearning and a continual search for replacement.

No. I'm not being emo here.

Just trying to figure out what a person I am.
I just seem to have become so complicated. Ever since Secondary school.
Or maybe this was how I'm born to be like?
I have no idea.

Come to think of it, I think I spend the later parts of my life in 2 places - looking to the future - all scared of it - and looking in the past - all filled up with regret. I never seem to stay in the present.

But one thing I am sure is I've became much happier ever since I entered MJ. I wasn't so emo and everything. And yet.. I have to face this again.
Maybe you think I've changed, maybe I feel completely different. But I don't wish to be like this.

I want my old self back.
And I know I'll crawl out of this darkness. Like I always had.

And really. Sometimes I just wish we could turn back time.
At least we could talk like how we used to talk.
Instead of the 5 pathetic msges everyday now, we would have been sending 40+ or a lot more.
What happened to those days.
Everything feels so foreign now.

Then it leads me to wonder why ppl can change so fast.

I want the past back.

I want all the questions to stop.
I want more answers.

I want to go someplace
where nobody can find me.
Not even me.

I want a photo album.
Then I could take all the pictures in my head,
put them in the album,
and close it.

I want, I want, I want...
I want so many things.
Yet I can never have them.

I want to wake up in the morning
and be glad that I did.

And ytd it finally dawned so clear that
this is the end of my dream.
Maybe now I'm just all but a fragment of your past.

After talking to Eve online, I felt the sudden urge to pick myself up and stop hurting myself.

Eve: and you deserve a rest also
you shouldn't be the only one trying your best
.
.
.

Eve: or you'll only be hurting yourself and the people around you too.
If we switched the situation around right now, you will understand how bad i feel right now
Me: why
Eve: because i can't be there for you?
when you can't sleep at night you can't disturb me on the phone? (unless you wanna make long distance call)
unlike the others, i can't say 'if you need me, i'll always be here'
the only thing i can say is i'll be there spiritually.

.
.
.

Yarrr. Thanks alot. Really. I'll try to be happy for your sake. Haha.

I suddenly miss her a lot.

Ytd was a horrible night.
Waterworks and everything.
Didn't know how long I cried.

Finally got to sleep, in the end woke up at 2am and cried some more. Called Stella finally and she sounded so awake even though I woke her up.
And she listened to me cry and then entertained me with her stories. Hung up after 20mins and I just lied on the bed. I have no idea how long it took me to finally sleep. Maybe about 4am or so.
So in the end I only slept like 4 hrs.

Woke up looking so horrible and everything. Eyes were damn swollen. Went school and acted like everything was okay. Until Fil mentioned during morning assembly that I looked like I cried. Then I just broke down. So malu-ing. My first time crying in MJ.

Somehow went through today in school without knowing how I actually felt.
One thing I was certain was that I felt real sleepy and all. Bahh.

Met Shiyu ytd after we did our cip. It was so coincidental. And we just went "Ehhhhhh!" Hahaha.


I miss her loads. Our top scorer. :D


On the day of the interview last Friday. I wanted to go into the train and take from the outside. But.. haha.


Le Dung and I. Act cute lahhh. lol.

Fell down the stairs just now. Gah. Clumsy me. :/

I don't know how you feel anymore. You don't say a word about your feelings. And know what. It feels like you're always in a rush to throw me away. That's excatly how I feel. Guess I'm no longer important, no longer needed. It's like hanging in mid air. Don't know which way I should go. And what hurts the most is that I feel like I'm someone abandoned. This pain is so real, so hurting. But yet you don't do anything to make me feel better.

Sigh.
And I just went out and hit the walls till my hands hurt.
Know what, I seriously don't care if I don't wake up tmr.
And I don't think you care if I do or not either. Since you didn't even bother to reply when I told you I fell off the stairs.

Bahhh.
Feeling lousy again.
Argh. Sorry Eve. Haha.

Ah wells. Fil pointed out something to me.
That why am I caring and holding on so much.
When you don't even seem to bother.

Guess I'm just afraid of drifting.
Afraid of losing everything.
Afraid of losing control.
Coz everything that I thought that you'll be,
has fallen apart right infront of me.

Life is such a complicated thing. Why must it be filled with ups and downs? Maybe that's why we will then learn how to appreciate the good better.

Promises..
Do they disappear like a fog after it's being said?
A promise should be fulfilled without fail,
more so if the person you've made the promise to is important.

Very important indeed.
Sigh.

Went for pw interview today after school.
Went all the way from Pasir Ris to Boon Lay. One end to the other. Omgg. Total journey was about.. 58mins or more. Really a memorable journey, coz you don't do things like this often. My first time taking from one end to the other actually. Maybe can do things like this after promos. Get a group of ppl and talk along the journey. HAHAHA.



Glad that all my pw members turned up.
Thankfully managed to locate our destination. And we were like so worried about the interview. haha.
But the lecturers seem nice. Smiley and all. (:
Felt like we were attending some tea party. Were offered drinks and cookies. HAHA.

Then that's when the real horror started.
Were shoot with questions about our groundbreaker. They said this will make us think and digest it better. It was more like of a discussion.
In the end we survived it. It was quite a useful interview. Managed to clear up some misconceptions and they even helped us brainstorm of new proposals. Nice ladies. Haha.

And omggg. Le Dung totally went nuts can.
First, he was talking in a language no one of us can understand, by asking lots of weird irrelavant questions.
AND. He asked the lecturers this:

"A white cat met a black cat on the bridge. What did the white cat say to the black cat?"

Gosh. He is so embarassing. Haha.

After the interview, we took mrt all the way down again. -_-
But the journey didn't seem long. Coz we were talking and talking. Haha.
Was on the topic of erm. religion.

AND OMG. I see this stupid big lizard crawling on the floor. Stupid lizard. Why issit on the floor. Go on the wall. Shoo.

Back to the topic. Oh yes. Religion.
Le Dung, Kangli, Danial and I were discussing about Christianity. Le Dung and Kangli were telling me about it and yea. Think we were speaking quite loudly. Coz this man in his 50s or so turned and said somthing like "See that you all are having an in-depth discussion about religions."
Think he's a Christian as well, coz he asked what denomination Le Dung's in. haha.


I so love this purse look alike thingy. It's a bible btw. So glam right. And there's silver linings at the side of the pages. NICE NICE NICE.
I was holding it all the way in the mrt and refused to return to Le Dung, flipping through and reading it. And hinting for Le Dung to buy me that for my bday. *hint hint* It costs 72 bucks btw. [according to him] :/

So yep. I alighted at Pasir Ris instead of Eunos. Took bus with Le Dung. He went for 'that music thing' in school and I went home.

Ohyes.
I just remembered sth scary. Today Miss Choo was making us realise how much time we've left to study. After calculations, we concluded that we have to study 29hours every weekend [Starting from this week] in order to finish reading through everything.
After chem practical everyone were so stressed that we started saying things like "Eh eh. Don't go for 'that music thing' le. No time to study."

And things like "Eh. Walk faster. Take out notes now and study. Don't waste time. 2mins wasted."

So hilarious can. Lol.

That's about today.
Oh yes. Watched ppl rolling on the ground during pe today. Changed for nth can. Coz they did forward rolls and backward rolls. And I can't do them coz of my eye. LOL.

Yep. Took some retarded photos today with Le Dung's cam.
Shall upload when I get them. (:

Ohno. Meet the parents session tmr.
Mr Cha please say nice things and tell me Mr Soh said nice things about me and Miss Choo please don't scold me. :/

And. Genevive, my darling tkgs choir junior just called can. I was so surprised. She said she's going for dsa audition to mj tmr. And yep. HAHA. All the best dear. (:

Ah wells. Stop slacking. Start studying. 29hours per weekend. Argh. ):

Today was fun.

Had some enrichment talk by this inspiring guy during GP.
And oh gosh. After his talk I'm deeply inspired and everything.

Mr Gilbert Tan met with an acident 24 years ago and is paralysed from chest down. And yet he still is able to paint beautifully using his mouth to hold the brush. It makes ppl like us feel remorseful about why we can't paint as well even using our hands. :/


Mr Tan demostrating live on drawing this grape vine thingy. So so nice can.

And despite his situation, he still is so optimistic and everything. It seriously makes me wonder how anyone can have this kind of mentality.

Something he said makes me really motivated.

"Life is a challenge. You just have to face it and take up the challenge."

It really made me feel like I should just stop torturing myself and make the most out of everything.
Stop comparing what you had and instead, compare to something much worse than you. *mental note to myself*



The 2 gays: Cheng Yew and Le Dung. In library after Mr Tan's presentation.


A few of us and Mr Tan. (:

Yepyep.
So yea. After physics remedial, me, Keyi, Filza, Jean and Le Dung went to some bench and started emo-ing and talking and yea. Kinda saddening after what Mr Cha spoke to us today. But still it's not the end of the world. We still have promos. All is not over yet. So SMILE PPL. (:

Ohoh. On a side note.
Ytd during PW we were sooo bored to extent that we counted how many 'ok's the lecturer was saying. And omggg. He said like 100 'ok's in like about 15mins. HAHAHA. Didn't even realise when Melvin told us to count. lol. Amusing and entertaining. Keeps you awake during PW lecture.

You don't want to be ending up like these ppl:


Left: Cheng Yew looks so so adorable righttt. Like some small boy. HAHAH.
Right: Keyi and Wu Suan. Sleeping. hahaha.

So yea.
The day is ending soon and what have I done?
Nth much. Probably will start doing some revision later. Yes.
70 more days. Make full use of it. Having regrets is a horrible feeling.

So for now I'll just trust in you. Don't let me down again.

Woke up at 4am plus today.
Didn't know why. Just couldn't sleep for like an hour or so.

Kept thinking of things. Cried abit as well.
And the first person that came to mind was JM.
[HAHAHA. Yes girl. I didn't know why either.]
Maybe it's coz I rmb her saying "Aiyo. Why never call me", the day I told her I cried for like.. 4hours straight.
And she also said "My phone is always on 24/7."

But still, I didn't call her.
Probably coz I didn't know what to say.
I don't even know how I was feeling.

Nevertheless, it's comforting to know that there's someone you can turn to in times when you need someone to talk with.

Yepp.

Today was... tiring.
Oh gosh. Haziq [Some P2 guy in Metta.] drove me nuts. He was like SUPER active can. Kept losing his focus and everything despite calls for him to concentrate on his work. Poor me. But yea, he can be really nice. Like how he kept asking for me to teach him, and pulling me back when I pretended to get fed up with him and he gave Filza, Hafizah and I this ermmm.. Wire thingy which you can bend and blah. HAHAHA.

Today was more fun than last week. Of course can. Marking books are like... erm. Boring.

Oh wells.
Yet another day gone by.
So tired. So drained. So many things on my mind.

But why does it feel like so many things are slipping away from me.

Seriously, the only book that never fails to make me cry is my written diary.

Just looking back at those words seem to be like putting a dagger into the heart. Just in a short period of 2mths plus, words that seemed so sweet and beautiful all turned into a pack of lies. All in an instant.

This is how fragile relationships can be.

Why do happy things never seem to last. And if it was this case, why in the first place even bother to say those words about "forever and ever"?

It seems to be always the case whereby the person I'm so sure who won't hurt me ends up to be the one betraying my trust in the end. Know how much this hurts.
And all you can do is to keep saying "sorry". Like it helps. Actually all I want from you now is so so simple, but yet you just can't seem to know what is it that I want.

Sigh.

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
And once upon a song.

2nd post for today. HAHA.

Put emo-ness aside. Just realised I forgot to blog about something.
Went to watch Harry Potter with Gary, Pris and my bro on sat.
Well.. It was.. ermm. WELL. Fine? But not really up to expectations and yea. The previous one was nicer I guess.

Yepyep. And I bought a new darling purse from roxy. HAHA. Spent like 1732685 hours in that shop choosing between 2 designs. And in the end I chose the current one I'm using [Which I later regret not getting the other one. :/] Ah wells.


Pris and I. (:

And to someone [you know who you are]: Sorry for spacing out today on our way back. Was ermm. PMSing. Hahaha. And rather moody and everything. Plus you were reading your bloody [opps] newspaper. And yes I was sad and I wasn't tired at all. Oh wells. Next time you find that I'm being redundant by 'wasting' my time and taking the long journey back, tell me alright. And then maybe I wouldn't do crazy things like that anymore.

Argh.

On a side note, 'Behind these hazel eyes' by Kelly Clarkson is really nice. The tune and lyrics and everything. Heard this during song dedications today and got sort of hooked onto it. (:

It suddenly occured to me the question about why ppl are always in a rush to somewhere else.
Like they're rushing along with the pace of everyday life.

Don't you think it's good sometimes to slow down and take a good look at what's going on around you? The things you've put behind, the things you thought you've long forgotten about.

I guess I'm the kind of person who'd rather be lazing around and daydreaming somewhere with ppl I like company with rather than to rush home straight after school. I mean. Why bother to keep rushing off. Life is short. You've got to fully appreciate it.

So today I took the long journey back home and on the bus I thought through lots of things. Things just kept coming in. Memories from the past and everything. It all seemed so vivid. So real. Just that you know they're no longer there.
To a point I felt like crying.

Oh wells. For now I'll just chunk everything aside and set my priorities right. When everything is over, I'll take a long bus ride to somewhere far far away.

My memories of you are dark and grey
But these thoughts will always stay
The feeling of pain you gave me is here
I know you're sorry but I'm still full of fear

AT LAST I'M DONE WITH EOM.

Omggg. But I think I'll have to like redo it. Don't know what the hell I wrote can. Argh.

Ytd was feeling super super sick when I reached home. Before that stayed in school with Filza and slack after physics remedial. Went to find Mr Cha and played with the helicopter thingy and attracted quite a lot of attention. HAHA. But it was fun fun fun. (: Then nice nice Mr Cha treated us drinks and we sat in the canteen and talked. lol. So fun lah.
My favourite pastime = talking. (:

But at night felt real sick and I couldn't do EOM. Haha.
Today still felt quite horrible but yea no choice. Tonight's the deadline.

This week I have been turning in quite late. Way past my usual sleeping time. Partly coz I always turn on the com after I've completed my homework for the day. And will chat with random ppl for like damn late.

AND ohyes. I just remembered what stupid thing I sacrificed my sleep for.
Louis Chua made me play this Jigsaw Too game on MSN. And I can't believe I survived through the whole thing lahh. Haha.


The completed product.

Spent like 1hr and 10mins on it and I lost to him. %$*@!&

HAHA. It was like sooooo mentally tiring can.

On a side note, today was fun. I love today.
First thing in the morning - PE. Celes and I had fun laughing at our class doing gymnastics for pe. Omg lahh. I can't imagine me doing that. But have to do next week. ):
Recess was.. hmm. As usual. But not really as usual. Okay what am I talking. Haha.

And erm. We had chem spa today. The first half on theory I was half sleeping already. Then it got better during the practical part. Miss Choo was so cute. Not excatly lah. When she was demonstrating the experiement on the part when you have to invert the filled burette into the basin of water I was frowning for some reason which I myself also don't know. And she saw and she was like:"Felicia. Why you look so amused. Later you sure [something something something. Can't rmb. haha.]"
And when I was doing that part she was infront of me and she just suddenly said:"Felicia arh. You never do housework at home de right. Can tell de lor. The way you so scared that thing will spill over." HAHAHA. And she was like teaching me how to invert that stupid thing. So nice lah Miss Choo. (:

Yepyep. After school was fun. For some reason. Don't know why. Just found it fun. Stoned around in canteen with some person who left me sitting there alone like an idiot and went off somewhere else. Then hanged around with Filza, Yingqi and Atiqah. And went home after that. Met council ppl on the mrt. Like Solomon and Jin Jian who goes: "Happy NCC Day" whenever he sees Filza. HAHA. Joker lah him. My deer.

And I keep sneezing. Argh.

I never thought that this could go
And take me away from all I know
And leave me to think I'm on my own
But your love will take me, you were the one.

OKAYYY.
I couldn't log into blogger just now. Scare me.

First they said password wrong, the second time they said that the email does not exist. wth.
Then I realised I typed the wrong password. HAHAHA. Blur me.

Today was quite slack in school. Mr Cha let us off early after physics practical. (: And during recess we kept having stupid song dedications.

Like:
"From CG rep of 07S202 to 07S202: Stop mugging"
[But actually is Lee Jin went to anyhow write de. hahaha.]

And:
"From vice-CG rep of 07S202 to 07S202: You all mean the world to me. I loveeee you all. :D"
[And actually is Filza, Keyi, Jean and I went to crap de. hahaha.]

Yepyep.
Filza and Jean gave me this handmade card with message inside. Although I didn't really mention about it, I really appreciate your efforts. THANKYOU. (:
To Fil and Jean: The reason why I didn't want to read it on the spot is coz the moment I opened the thing and glanced through it, I felt like crying already. hahaha. But ya, I was really happy. Sort of expected the card, yet didn't expect it too. (:

And what Miss Choo said today really motivated me to study really really hard for promos. Argh.
This term will be packed like hell. ):

Ah wells.

ALONE
by Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then–in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life–was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
----------------

This poem sounds really nice.
Though I don't really make full sense of it. Bits here and there.
Abstract words are really nice, coz they make you think a lot and there are really no right or wrong answers. You just interpret it in whatever way you think it's true.

Looking for images to work on my new blog layout. I'm getting sick of this layout. And all along, I've never have a liking of pre-made layouts. HAHA.

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can't get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I'm standing on the edge and I don't know what else to give.

Finally school starts for us.
It seemed like some long long long holiday. hahaha.

And we finally have to face the horrors of our results. :/
As expected, I did like super badly. I'm seriously going to get like... all Us can. HAHAHA.
Oh gosh.

Start of new term. Start of new life. Start of constant revision.
This sucks. Argh.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone
that's in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know
the lock on the door has changed.

Omggg.

I was browsing through friendster and I saw this bulletin Stella posted.
Wa damn touching.


Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please it's too
scary!

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

Girl : *hugs him*

Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put
it on yourself? It's bugging me.

Girl: Alright, now slow down

Guy: I love you babe.

Girl: I love you too, please just slow
down now! Please !

(in the paper the next day):
A motorcycle had crashed into a
building
because of brake failure. Two people
were on it, but only 1 had survived.
The
truth was that halfway down the road,
the guy realized that his brakes broke,
but he didn't want to let the girl
know.
Instead, he had her say she loved him
and felt her hug one last time, then he
had her wear his helmet so that she
would live even though it meant that he
would die.
---------------

And after reading that, tears just came running down. It's so touching.
HAHAHA. Okay I'm mad. :/

Oh gosh. 3 posts in a day. My parents are probably going to scream at me again when they see how high the electricity bills are. :/

Gosh. I'm so bored.
Some person abandoned me.

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is medium. You probably have had a couple significant loves. And you may have even had your heart broken. But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people. Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.. It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life. In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

You Follow Your Heart

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional. You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly. Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you. You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature. Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind

Below are 2 which appealed to me.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant. People feel like they really don't know the true you... Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force. Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself. It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose. You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

Never Date an Aries

Impatient, restless, and selfish - it's a lot of work to make an Aries happy. And if you drop the ball, your Aries will be gone faster than you can say "I'm sorry"! Instead try dating: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, or Pisces

Woke up at 7.30am today. Then I still felt so tired that I fell asleep on the sofa. And crawled back into bed and slept for another 2hrs. HAHA.

I don't know what's happening now.
My mood is like up and down. And seriously there's like a super drastic change ytd. I was writing my written diary. One minute I'm emo-ing, the next I was flaring at the pages. You should have seen my handwriting. From so neat to like.. HAHA. I almost broke my pen.
Scary.

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you

I don't know what's wrong with me. Guess I just doubt if you'll really still feel for me after so long.
Why is it that you must do this to me. Till now I still don't understand.
Are you really happy now? Why not just follow your heart and go for what you want.
Guess I'm still holding to that faint ray of hope. For you to turn around, to say you won't leave me. I don't want to beg you anymore. Coz I know I'll just be disappointed again. Why issit that all along I listened and followed everything you wanted, and just for this once I said "please", but you wouldn't even hear me out and ask what issit that I really want.
Guess my views aren't really important. Guess I'm not really important.
If one day you abandon me, I'll not be surprised. Ppl are all the same. I thought you were different, but apparently not.
------------

AND OMGGG. There's elearning for GP?! WTHH. Argh. I'm so dead. :/

Today's the first day in ages when I stayed at home for the whole day.
School has started for most, but MJ's having e-learning days for J1. So yea.

Was staring at the com since God knows when. I better get off soon. But yea, at least I did productive work of e-learning two subjects. HAHA.

PW is crap. Oh gosh. After like a month not facing it, I finally have to face it. :/ Can't wait to get to J2. But then again, have to face the major Alevels. And able or not to get promoted is another problem. No way am I going to suffer one extra year in JC. Gosh. 2 years is enough. VERY enough. They should make it like one year system lahh. Rah.

Okay. I'm off to do my offline things. Like.. I have a lot of things to do. But I just can't seem to get myself started. Hmph.

I gave you every waking moment,
I gave you everything you wanted,
And now, I know,
You're giving me up.

Just came back from the airport.

Met with with Filza, Jean, Fadilah and Huang Yu. Initially to chit-chat, then we did cip [cut leaves] again in the end. HAHA.
It was damn hilarious. Coz Huang Yu and Filza were like mass pasting the thingy. [inside joke]

Then I went off to meet jm.
Ate Macs and we sat there and talked and catched up. Yepp.

And then did some cam-whoring. We were like monkeys doing stupid things lahh. HAHA.










If you notice, I'm wearing Jas's spects. hahaha.

To think we even wanted to grab some random cute ang moh tourist and take photo with. HAHAHA. That'll be like damn fun. :D

I so love Jas's camera can. omggg. That crazy monster. Saved up to buy this powershot camera. So prettyyy with pretty effects. :/



Yepyep. Today was fun.

But deep inside, nothing can fill the emptiness within my heart. Am I really happy? Or am I just faking it.
Nobody truly knows me, maybe that's the way for everyone, or at least I hope so. I seem to have the tendancy to put on a front in the best interest of myself. Like being smiley and everything, so that others won't worry for me.

Everytime I look through my photos I'll be like thinking: "Who on Earth is this person. How the hell can she be smiling so happily like nothing bothers her."
There's something about my smile. Like Eve said, I look the same in everything. That's because I smile the same way. It has become a habit to just twitch your mouth and muscle in the same way when you face a camera, and even others. You just smile. Even when deep inside it's hurting like mad, and you're not okay at all.

Eventually these fronts weld themselves to you until you no longer recognise your own soul in the mirror.

At least that's how I feel. I have no idea who I am anymore. Of if I'll ever be happy again. Or... A thousand questions just run through my head everytime I'm alone. And it's so taxing to decipher and comprehend everything.

Sometimes I just feel like going to sleep. And I guess I don't really care if I don't wake up anymore.

I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When I stumbled upon pictures I tried to forget
And that’s how this idea was drilled into my head

Cause it’s too important
To stay the way it’s been

There’s no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it’s gone it’s like it wasn’t there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night
------------------

On a side note, gosh. I'm like so late for meeting up with my friends at the airport. :/
And yes. It's 10.05am now AND I'M STILL AT HOME.

Talking to JM now. haha. Filza's going to kill me. :/

Went for last minute CIP tmr with TKGS ppl. Decided to just tag along since I have like nothing to do at home so why not just go.
We cut leaves. HAHA. Mmm. Kinda relaxing. Most of the time we were talking and slacking and yea.



AND after that Jean and I decided to go NDP preview with Fad and Filza. Super last minute decision as well. They were saying they have extra tickets so we went along. Was like super not dressed properly lahh. I MEAN. Not appropriate. But ah wells.

NDP was nice. Like really nicer than the other years. Maybe coz the place was like super new and we had almost the whole area to ourselves. [We were like 4 idiots sitting in the middle of nowhere] And life preview is nicer than watching on TV I guess. The visual effects were damn nice.


The 4 of us. (:

Today went swimming early in the morning at Pris's house. Most of the time I was just soaking in the waters and talking to Pris. Took lots of photos. HAHAHA. But unfortunately, those photos are in Darren's phone and the battery went flat. So can't bluetooth to us which means cannot post them.


Got this one though. [And another one. But it looks horrible.]
My dad was being extra.

Went Ger's house after that. And her mum was tidying the house and found photos from our childhood. And we started digging them up and view.

Look at how we have grown through the years. We practically grew up together.








Germaine, Jasmine and I have always been quite close when we were young, coz our age are around the same.










Not forgetting Gary. HAHA.

And I still remember how we 3 always used to fight over stupid stuffs lahhh. It's really really fun and everything though. :)

I think I'm the closest with Germaine. We lived near each other when we were young and we practically did everything together.




I'm the one on the left. The one looking damn retarded. This photo is seriously so so funny lahhh. HAHAHA.










And this is how we are now.

I love my cousins to bits and pieces. They made my childhood so fun and memorable. We met up practically every week and played together and blah. Till now, we're still as close as ever. (:

And if I could, I'll really wish to go back to those days. Where everything was so carefree and happy.


Now for the final photo >>

.
.
.
.


DON'T YOU THINK THIS IS SO UBER CUTE. hahahha! Ger and I. We were like some thirsty monkeys can.

And eww. The border's around the photos is ugly can. But ah wells. Lazy to set the border to 0. So many lah. Madness. So please bear with it. Photos can be enlarged. [Mainly for the sake of my other cousins who want to save the photos.]

Okay. I'm so tired now. After staring at the com for like God-knows-how-many hours. :/

To abandon or to be abandoned, which is worst I wonder.
I'm probably just someone of your past.